No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
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[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.