When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
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My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.