Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
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my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know