Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
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“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
*jingles half the way*
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
good work, everybody
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.