I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
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People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
The first one, obviously
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.