[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
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Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …