Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
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Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.