God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
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Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.