Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
every. time.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business