Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
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Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.