There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
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California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?