My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
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Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”