stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
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Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?