me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
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Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.