date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
You Might Also Like
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
If I ignore life will it go away?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no