A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
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[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?