Brb my Sims are getting married
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If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.