when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
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If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy