Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
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The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”