Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
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On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.