I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
You Might Also Like
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!