Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
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*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?