That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
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Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
My therapist after every session
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
taking June’s advice to heart
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
the simulation is moving too fast
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]