My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
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I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
From my Mom
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
love it when they get my name right
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”