[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
The news is so predictable nowadays
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”