I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
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To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
What do you hear?
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.