Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
best review i’ve ever seen
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.