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My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Children of the corn 🌽
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house