When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
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When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I bet birds love this building.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense