I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
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The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
📽️movie date🎞️
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks