REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
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No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.