I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
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Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Gemma Correll
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car