In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
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How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.