Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
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“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Spider-cat: No One Home
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
This hospital has everything
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Erm…
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks