me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
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Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.