sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
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Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.