You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
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Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.