If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
You Might Also Like
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I have no passwords left in me
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?