“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
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ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?