Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
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Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison