Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
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Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?