me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
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If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
me, too, girl. me, too.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!