When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
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Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
u spoke cat all this time??????
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*