Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
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I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.