Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep