*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
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[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Saturday
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
me 2 months after i graduated
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal