“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
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Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
how to exercise your calf muscles
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really