Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
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Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?