The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
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Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
This meal prepping shit is easy
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.