Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
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[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Florida be like…
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework